breakdowns, self care, and broken records

y’all, this past week has been a doozy.  I feel like I’m spending 18 hours a day minimum asleep, and trying to be semi productive and not despise myself for sleeping the other 6.  The stress of everything is definitely just building and building, so much so that I had a panic attack Monday night.  If you’ve never experienced a panic attack, either physically or by being present during a loved one’s count yourself lucky.  They are ugly, they are scary, and it really is hard to believe that you’re not going to die.

(and ps,  I super feel like a broken record talking about how stressed out I’ve been lately.  But the only creature I have to talk to in real time is Scotti, so you’ll just have to deal with it.)

Every day, I’ve been trying to find something to do for at least half an hour, that distracts me from everything else.  I used to think my version of self care was going to a bar and seeing what would happen with some guy, or getting drunk at home and seeing who from Tinder might stop by, but things have changed for the better the past year.  Now I do things like watch silly reality TV (I just started the Bachelor for the first time ever, and whoa), look at vintage engagement rings on the internet,  read a book, or do something that helps me feel pretty.


Last week, I took the time to make my favorite body scrub. By time, I mean about 5 minutes. I scrubbed that coffee in and scrubbed away the stupid. And my clay mask pulled out all sorts of negativity. That’s what Indian clay masks do, it’s a fact.

diy coffee scrub
I add a few drops of lemon essential oil to mine. Perks me right up!


The question is, how many body scrubs and face masks does it take to take all the stress away? Do you have to do green juices and yoga in addition to it?


goodbye, 2016

y’all, I am so glad to leave 2016 in the dust.  I can’t think of a single year I have ever wanted to end as much as I do this one.

Here are some things I’ve did and learned this year:

  • that the right hashtags get your Instagram photos way more attention.  I’m going to take you down in Instagram fame, Kylie Jenner.
  • I quit not one, but two jobs.  Yes, I’m still unemployed, but to know I’m not at a job with zero growth, and that I’m not being disrespected on a daily basis, feels good.  Yes, I know people aren’t supposed to quit jobs without a pile of savings and solid plan, but if you’re getting called a bitch every single day by your boss, then you have to go.  The plus? After lots of time reading career blogs, watching TedTalks, and reading some career focused books, I have a much better idea of what I want to be doing with my time when I get back to having a job.
  • That people you would do anything for might not be able, or willing, to do the same for you.  Some will crack under the pressure, and this could lead to things between you, them, and a whole lot of other people to be broken.  I lost someone I adored this fall, and I’m not sure my heart will ever heal. But that’s okay.  Yesterday, I was meditating, and came to the realization that just because this person broke my heart, doesn’t give me the right to break the hearts of other people.  Will I be even slower with letting people in? (assuming I can get any slower) Yes.  But the people who want in, will get in.
  • I have to force myself to be in more social settings.  Being back in Iowa has made this especially obvious.  Even being around people in a coffee shop gets my brain going in a better direction.
  • My tribe/squad/village/family has grown in ways I definitely would have never expected.  Now I need to come up with a good way to show them that I adore them.
  • That whole getting knocked up on my birthday thing.  So overwhelmed, so excited.  Theodore will be here in about a month (and I have done zero to prepare)

Tonight, I will be bingewatching who knows what with Scotti, probably doing face masks and eating way too many Sour Patch Kids.  Earlier, I made a list of all the things from 2016 that were less than stellar, and I plan on setting that list on fire around 11:59.

someone fell in love today Nikita Gill
via Pinterest

If 2016 was the greatest year of your life, congratulations! I hope that things continue being awesome for you. If 2016 seemed like the absolute worst and you’re completely shocked you survived, you only have a few more hours to power through and then you get to start sort of fresh.

brain stream

I’ve spent the past two days trying to think of anything worth typing up.  Sure on Twitter there’s been some quick tales, but lately my mind (and world) have both been spinning in a way that makes it hard for things to seem composed.


A post shared by Dallas Clayton (@dallasclayton) on

There is so much going on in the world, and for me it feels like you have to sift through 20 stories to find one that’s filled with good and happiness.  And then I start thinking about my own stress and feel so incredibly guilty.   Like in the grand scheme of things, my life is pretty easy.  I don’t have to worry about my family’s home being bombed while we’re sleeping.  I don’t see that a young man has been shot and immediately fear it’s one of my brothers. Aside from a cancer scare a couple years ago, I’m shockingly healthy, which seems to bother the occasional doctor when they see my chubby belly.  I know I’m pretty and if I wanted to put any effort into things, I could be super pretty.  I’m as social as I want to be (which really isn’t a lot), and clearly I have no problem getting laid.  My family is as supportive as I’ve ever expected them to be, and my dog more than likely believes that I am god.

But here I am, stressed.  Stressed because I am clearly not anywhere near to my childhood goals that I had plotted out for age almost 30 when I was about 8.  Stressed because holy fuck, I am 6 months pregnant and holy fuck, I just keep saying holy fuck and that’s probably not good because the baby app says he can hear me.  Stressed because yeah, being a mom was honestly one of my ultimate goals, but it’s not something I imagined doing alone.  Stressed because right now I have no idea what I want to do with my life, where I want or need to be, don’t have a job and am super duper broke (for real baby Jesus, venmo/paypal me 10grand so I can breathe money wise).  I’m stressed because my hair is fading to this weird color and I’m not really sure what I should do with it.

But this will all be okay.  Maybe not for Syria, but for me.  But hey, once I get the me stuff figured out, I can focus more on international policy and all the fun that comes with that.