breakdowns, self care, and broken records

y’all, this past week has been a doozy.  I feel like I’m spending 18 hours a day minimum asleep, and trying to be semi productive and not despise myself for sleeping the other 6.  The stress of everything is definitely just building and building, so much so that I had a panic attack Monday night.  If you’ve never experienced a panic attack, either physically or by being present during a loved one’s count yourself lucky.  They are ugly, they are scary, and it really is hard to believe that you’re not going to die.

(and ps,  I super feel like a broken record talking about how stressed out I’ve been lately.  But the only creature I have to talk to in real time is Scotti, so you’ll just have to deal with it.)

Every day, I’ve been trying to find something to do for at least half an hour, that distracts me from everything else.  I used to think my version of self care was going to a bar and seeing what would happen with some guy, or getting drunk at home and seeing who from Tinder might stop by, but things have changed for the better the past year.  Now I do things like watch silly reality TV (I just started the Bachelor for the first time ever, and whoa), look at vintage engagement rings on the internet,  read a book, or do something that helps me feel pretty.

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Last week, I took the time to make my favorite body scrub. By time, I mean about 5 minutes. I scrubbed that coffee in and scrubbed away the stupid. And my clay mask pulled out all sorts of negativity. That’s what Indian clay masks do, it’s a fact.

diy coffee scrub
I add a few drops of lemon essential oil to mine. Perks me right up!

 

The question is, how many body scrubs and face masks does it take to take all the stress away? Do you have to do green juices and yoga in addition to it?

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baby links for Linda

*Please note, I’m writing this post at the request of my mother, who can’t figure out how to pass on links to baby registries.*

Everyone, as of today, we are 41 days away from when this kiddo is supposed to make his entry into the world.  Not terrifying at all, right? I’m still not 100% sure if I’ll be delivering in New Orleans or Iowa, which I’m trying to see as part of the adventure, instead of a reason to stress out.  PS, hour long workouts and forcing myself to meditate and journal for 30 minutes definitely helps with all the stress.

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Teddy Bear Booties from Old Navy

Now, my mom is stressing out about all the stuff that one needs for a baby.  And the fact that I’m still (f)unemployed, but that makes the whole transition to maternity/bonding time that much easier.  Meanwhile, I’m obsessing over fuzzy baby boots and miniature Air Jordans.

Anyways, back to the topic at hand.  Making registries is so much fun.  I made myself stick to Amazon and Target, and only doing them online.  I just know that if I get that scanner gun in one hand, and a dirty chai from Starbucks, that Target wouldn’t know what hit it.

Here are the links that Linda can’t figure out how to pass on:

Amazon.  I’ll admit, I do a lot of “add to registry” clicking here.  I know I like options, and figure everyone else does too.

Target. Shorter and sweeter.  The baby and I are going to be sharing a bedroom, so I’ve been wondering if I can add decoration stuff.  And Scotti stuff.  My furry boy is going to need some rawhides and such.

Plumfund.  This is like GoFundMe, but without the sense of emergency that seems to go with it.  Any $ gifts will go to bills, baby necessities, and the items I feel a little weird asking for, like nursing bras.

Other items I’m in love with:

Do you see how beautiful this bag is? I fell in love before I even knew I was pregnant.  Sturdy leather, roomy, and it converts into a backpack.  It’s clearly nice enough that it’ll make my cutoffs and messy buns look a little nicer.

I’ll admit straight away that I’m not much of a snuggler.  I find myself really excited to cuddle with Teddy though, and I’ve heard that wraps can be really good for helping mamas with postpartum depression. This print is so much fun and seems like it would disguise any stains that might be left behind.

A moses basket.  Seriously, I might stalk this Instagram hashtag on a daily basis.  It’s so cute and I just want Teddy to be a part of it.  Since I’m really only planning to use it for photo opportunities, I ‘m hoping to find a cheaper one.  Does anyone have any good ideas for how to use a moses basket after it’s been outgrown and between babies? I was thinking blanket or stuffed animal storage.

Oh. My. God.  I adore Wyatt the Fox.  If they had a boy version of the mermaids, I’d totally be all about it.

That’s all for now, unless someone wants to talk to Ellen about hooking Teddy and I up with a car.  I’m off to do some more yoga.

new hair, don’t care

I’ve had getting a hair cut on my to-do list for forever.  And when you’re stuck at home and need a pick-me-up, a haircut is definitely in order.  And bonus points, because your mom is more likely to agree to pay.

I’d been super inspired with some of the “french girl” shags that I spotted on Pinterest, in part because they seemed so low maintenance, but still could have some sex appeal.  Although that’s something I’m still not even 85% sure how to master.

midwestmere haircut

I haven’t found a stylist in New Orleans that I really click with.  They always seem overwhelmed by the thickness of my hair, and the low maintenance way I style.  My main rules are that the majority needs to fit in a ponytail holder, and that it can be easily styled with some sea salt spray and wax.

Once you get rid of all the split ends, life seems a little more manageable. 

As for the color, I had gotten a bit frustrated a few weeks ago and decided to find a box color, L’Oreal Feria ‘Deep Espresso’, that closely matched my roots.  While I love a fully highlighted look, in 10 weeks there’s going to be a baby, so who knows when I’d be able to take a day for a refresh.

Now that my hair is taken care of, it’s time to conquer everything else in my life.

Or take another nap.  Whichever comes first.

 

on crowdfunding and village building

Edit: I got bored with this whole crowdfunding idea pretty quickly.  But feel free to Venmo me (MeredithHope) or PayPal me (meredith.hope@rocketmail.com).  Cause I’m still (f)unmployed, phoneless and trying to figure out wtf is my life.

 

y’all money is getting tighter and tighter as my belly gets bigger and bigger.  Last week was the first time I’ve ever had someone stare at my stomach instead of my boobs.  My boobs we kind of sad, especially since they’re looking phenomenal at the moment.

But back to the topic at hand.

I fully believe in crowdfunding, and people giving real help when it is needed.  Sure, prayers are great.  But prayers don’t keep people in their homes, or food in their bellies.  I grew up with a sick parent.  I can’t tell you the names of anyone who prayed for my family, but I can tell you the names of the man who paid off the balance of my freshman year of college, the women who brought meals to my mom and brothers, the people who made sure my car had gas so my brothers and I could visit my dad when possible.  Sure the prayers were great, and it felt awesome to know so many people were sending positive vibes to my family, but my brother’s childhood Sunday School teacher who realized the three of us could live on apples, pizza rolls, mac & cheese cereal and milk, and made sure that we had a good supply at all times when my mom was in the hospital during 8th grade? She’s the real champ.

There’s a lot of pros and cons for crowdfunding.  How do you know the money is going to what the person claims? Why should we help a middle school band go to a museum 16 hours away? I feel like there was a lady a few years back who set up a GoFundMe so she could go to Vegas and some big boxing match with her friends.  And if you’re ever bored and looking for a way to spread some kindness and break up $100, I fully recommend that you hit up GFM and spread some love around.

Right now, I’m working on 2 things.  1) figuring out a money/job plan so I can be the best baby mama/Scotti mom I can be.  2) letting more people into my life and it’s goings-on.  I am definitely a runaway when I get stressed about my life, and that tends to scare a lot of the people that I love.  So this is me doing both.

1) I set up a GoFundMe page in the haze of sleepiness.  Do I feel like I’m losing control by asking strangers for help? Yes.  But I’ve felt like my life has been spinning out of control for the past 8 weeks, so this can either speed it up until I barf, or slow it down.  I love the idea of getting to spend the next 3.5 months focusing on preparing myself mentally, emotionally and physically for this baby.  I fully intend to keep applying for jobs, and forcing myself to start hitting up networking events, but also creating a home for my little family.

Do you know how you baby proof an apartment with concrete floors? Lots of rugs.

And not only do I want that 2 months of baby time once this guy emerges, but I also know how badly I need it.  When I had Captain B., (the baby boy who was adopted 5 years ago), I spiraled into a postpartum depression that took me 18 months and my dogs to claw out off.  So with the idea that I would need to go back to work ASAP to keep making money for me and baby, that terrifies me and my spirit.

For a reason I can’t comprehend, our country still doesn’t treasure babies the way we claim, or recognize the fact that people need time to bond and to heal within their new families (however those families are created).  I think we’re working on being better at this, but we’ll see.

2) Letting people in.  While I’m working up to posting the GFM link to Facebook, it’s pretty major for me to tell people that have a general idea of me that I need help.  But I also believe that you don’t have a right to the good parts of someone’s life if you’re not willing to even acknowledge the hard parts.  So this is me, telling the world that I’m going through a really hard part and that I need help.

Here’s that link one more time, in case you missed it:

www.GoFundMe.com/SingleMomSabbatical

And here’s a picture of Scotti, baby boobs, and I looking adorable:

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Thanks for reading and praying/good vibe sending/ and any help you might be able to send.

welcome back to me+life changing updates

Greetings, everyone!

I know it’s been forever since I updated this place.  I say this on repeat and add that I’ll take it more seriously, in part because it’s cathartic for me, but then all but fall off the face of the earth.  Honestly, I have just felt so burnt out from trying to keep up with the world and being the idea of what a 20something American girl should be.  This past summer, I took a break.  A break from going out all the time, a break from Tinder and similar apps.  I spent my weekends laying out with library books and watching DVDs with Scotti.  I would choose a neighborhood and go for the day; window shopping, day dreaming about property ownership, and a solo lunch.  It was awesome.  Sure there were times where I felt a little lonely, but it was good.

Then August hit.  And I realized that I hadn’t had a period since May.  After a lot of pregnancy tests (the girl at CVS finally told me she hoped I got whatever outcome I was crying for), and a family sized bag of Sour Patch Kids, I came to terms with the fact that I was pregnant.  Like, really pregnant.

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This coming February, I’ll be bringing a baby boy into the world. Y’all, I never had any idea that it was possible to be 100% terrified, 100% excited an 100%overwhelmed all at once.  When I was pregnant in 2010, I had decided fairly quickly that adoption was the way to go, so I avoided a lot of those feelings.

So here I am.  Trying to figure out what life should be like co-parenting with a boy I met on Tinder, how to raise a boy, and spending a ton of time applying to jobs.  Because PS, in August, possibly due to a influx of hormones, I decided to quit a job I was extremely unhappy at, with no plan and no savings.  So feel free to Venmo (MeredithHope) or PayPal (meredith.hope@rocketmail.com) your girl some funds,  and pray she gets a job offer soon.

I pinky swear to not be a stranger any more.